Spotify Wrapped’s launch is a day of joy and celebration for music fans.
“Here is the soundtrack to my life.”
Sadly, I can’t share this moment.
I can’t be part of this parade.
I must enter Goblin Mode.
I must withdraw, to my shame cave, shoulders slumped, head hung low.
The problem: I am a parent of two young children under the age of 10.
I am a leper.
Spotify Wrapped is dead to me.
Send me your thoughts and prayers.
For me – and parents all over the globe – Spotify Wrapped is a day of mourning.
It’s hard for nonparents to comprehend the loss, but I’ll attempt to explain.
Back when Spotify Wrapped first launched in 2016, I’d launch the app eager and excited.
What was my top song?
Who was my most listened to artist?
Now, it is awasteland…
There is no Wet Leg, there is the Moana soundtrack.
There is no Rosalia, there’sthat song that from the end of the Sonic the Hedgehog movie.
There is no Alvvays, there’s… [checks notes] Bad Lip Reading?
Yes, that’s right.
It was my most listened to song of 2022.
I consider myself lucky.
This is the source of all my troubles.
He tortured my smart speakers endlessly with these terrible tracks.
Every day I am in hell.
I recognize there are solutions to this problem.
A second Spotify account, attached to the smart speakers?
But the reality is…
I’m a parent.
The last thing on my mind at that point is “fixing Spotify.”
Which reminds me of my favorite ever Spotify story.
Her most played song on Spotify:
Strong Hair Dryer (Calming).
A classic of the white noise genre, I’m sure we can all agree.
